My super hip boss has a mini motor bike he uses to get around the office. On Monday, some of the guys at the office asked if I had ever ridden it, and if I wanted to. I, in my infinite wisdom, said yes. Don’t get it wrong, there was no peer pressure involved, just a group of people who wanted me to feel included. So I hopped on and made it two feet before I smacked into the wall and fell over.

After my embarrassment wore off I realized my finger and knee were hurting pretty bad. During the next couple hours I watched my knee grow a nasty bruise as my finger swelled to three times its size. It stayed that way for a couple days and even now I’m typing this with one finger on my left hand. You might think this is a pretty extreme outcome to a casual ride on something made for children in an enclosed space.

Well let me take you back to the summer of 2011. I was back home from college and my friends Jordyn and Erin wanted to go to the roller rink for their birthdays. I used to roller skate a bit back in the day so I was down. As soon as I put on the skates I realized the last time I had wheels attached to my feet I was 5. This was made even more apparent as I started to go around and around to bad covers of Dave Matthews. I wasn’t terrible but I definitely wasn’t comfortable. Soon I sort of got the hang of it and found a rhythm as long as I didn’t slow down or stop.

Jordyn was a natural. She was spinning and going backwards, your basic Yamaguchi. I lost sight of Erin for five minutes, to be fair, I couldn’t take my eyes off the ground ahead of me. On a quick and daring glance up, I saw her sitting on the side of the rink. Worried something was wrong I made my way over to her. Of course I wasn’t able to slow down so I was planning on every so gracefully gliding into the wall.

Instead, I hit the bump where the hardwood turns into carpet and fell backwards. The next few minutes are a blur, but I’m told I put my arm back to catch myself, then started laughing at my fall. Erin tried to help me up but my arm stayed behind.

Jordyn was in nursing school so she went into full caretaker mode, asking me what hurt, if I could move, if I had hit my head. Though I felt fine, I couldn’t support my arm enough to stand up. The manager from the rink ran up and started asking me to sign things. Since I couldn’t feel my dominant hand I said, “I’m not going to sue,” over and over while another worker made me a splint out of newspaper and skate laces.

I was finally able to stand up and with skates still on, Jordyn wheeled me out as Erin carried my shoes. I was finally able to get into the car and Erin began to drive. Every turn and bump were excruciating but I didn’t start crying until I realized I couldn’t go into work at a restaurant that night.

After half an hour of waiting in the ER, the doctor told me I had dislocated my elbow and I wouldn’t be able to work for 6 weeks. He then gave me some pain meds and popped my elbow back in as I named every bone in the body.

I would like to reiterate both of these activities, roller skating and mini moto bikes, are meant for children, and I managed to spectacularly mess both of them up. I’m not even going to go into the time I dislocated my knee cap falling down three stairs. I assure you, the stairs are not steep or slippery, I’m just uncoordinated. I will find a way to hurt myself doing the most mundane tasks. What made me think I could do something cool?

I’m the reason we can’t have nice things.